Wednesday, 20 May 2009

White-Arsed Sea Beagles and other doggerel

The infamous White-Arsed Sea Beagles have their very own fanclub who go to visit them on a regular basis, and invite those of feeble mind and heavy wallet to join them at

On the same subject , I also found this little diatribe

If you aren't sure, allow me to explain. I must thank Mabel Forcepoodle, author of 'Tedious Doggerel and Other Pointless Anecdotes' for this glimpse into the past..

"Back in the mists of time and midges, there lived, on the Western Isles, a group of spotty, itchy, malodourous and, to be blunt, disturbed people. First noted in history as the inventors of unsuccessful furniture such as the sheep seat and goat-legged table, they struggled to survive on a diet of sheep eggs and difficult-to-obtain penguin milk. A number of poor penguin milk harvests caused these people to become ever more reliant on midge paste as a dietary supplement.
It is well documented elsewhere that it is possible to live on midge paste. The Raymears, infamous relations to the Pine Tree Pixie, and known for their inventiveness, gorge themselves on it at every available opportunity. What is less well documented, and for good reason, is the after-effect.

Midge paste and sheep eggs lack fibre, and so it came to pass (quite literally) that the sheep seat was not the only loose stool that these unfortunates needed to worry about. A lack of broad leaved trees meant that there was no bogroll supply, and so as time went on, the smell on the island became, frankly, so bad, that the islanders took to living as far apart from each other as they could without falling off the edge. This did little for successful relationships, as you can imagine. The ever-increasing depth of the loose stools all over the islands, and the islanders, became notorious.
Around this time, the Mainlanders developed a Tourist Control Programme that used wee peskies as their main weapon. Not freely available on the mainland, they had to be collected by raiding parties to these malodourous islands. Hardy souls would brave the ferry trip to the soiled shores, and wearing stout boots and cagoules, find the wee peskies magically drawn to them, and so easy to trap. Due to the all-pervading smell, these visits became known as trips to 'that dire tribe over there'. Hence we now have the word 'diatribe'.
The result of a lack of fibre and deciduous woodland..
Thanks, Mabel.

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