Wednesday, 29 May 2013

The Three Horsemen of the Minor Annoyance go to Belgium

Hungry for some more European action the 3 Horsemen of the Minor Annoyance, Itch, Rash and Midgebite headed for the bright lights of Belgium. 

The brave knights laughed in the face of the heavy rainstorms on the A1 and conquered the Morrisons Cafe of Newark before setting forth once again for Folkstone. Despite requiring a stop at Thurrock services for petroleum based sustenance the warriors were buoyed by the enormous Caramel Shortbread rations that had been packed in Itch's topbox by the fair Susan of Stanley,

Arriving at the mysterious Eurotunnel the band of brothers were happy to find that their good planning (as well as setting off 90 minutes earlier than anticipated) meant that they could embark on an earlier iron tunnel chariot.

Arriving safely in Calais the stout bastions of freedom were faced with a new challenge. Drive on the right - no problem, drive on the right on an autoroute, after sunset - tricky, drive on the right, on an autoroute,, after dark, with no streetlights - terrifying!!!

Arriving in Dunkirk at around 1am the yeomen decided to tour the backstreets of the city, not at all because Midgebite had become lost.

The Castle Premiere Classe was located and breached (as were their sewers if the smell was anything to go by). The size and grandeurof the knight's lodging had to be seen to be believed. Below, Itch demonstates the chat swinging capabilities of the hostelry, 

As the dawn broke (about 3 hours later) the frantic search for the 'Lost Croissant of Grande Synthe' was commenced. Luckily, as always in France, we only had to walk 100m to find a Boulangerie where we purchased 9  'Lost Croissants of Grande Synthe' and devoured them henceforth.

We set out towards Belgium and skirted around Lille before having a minor skirmish with Alan and Betty Tedious on a motorway services. 

Due to numerous cups of strong Cafe au Laits en route, Itch decided to explore the first signs of the Ardenne Forest to mark his territory. 

 After making camp in their inadequate accommodation for the night, Midgebite and Itch went to seek provisions in the little town of Vresse sur Semois. The local shop assistant was most helpful so it was decided that she should be kidnapped and smuggled back to Rash (who was sleeping soundly in front of a Televisual device) for carnal pleasures of the flesh. Then it was decided that we would buy waffles instead!!
 One of the local peasants was a boar and wooden?!?
 Perhaps steak was on the menu for dinner?
 As you can see the lodgings were pathetic and not adequate for bastions such as TTHOTMA.
 Once again the stout fellows were accosted by oversize beer flagons.
 Luckily this smaller beasty was only 10% proof so did little harm.

We came across this sculpture whilst heading to a hotel to continue our quest for the strongest beer in the world. Funnily enough we all needed the bathroom on arrival.

 It was agreed that we were glad that we were not too drunk when we found this likeness of 'Harrison of Eccleston'.
Rash decided that he needed a lighter beer and therefore ordered this 11% number (alcoholic gravy best describes the consistancy).
 Ah - the Orb of Celestial Drivel.

 The following day the ingestion of several paracetamol and numerous waffles saw us heading back towards Albion. This was the Citadel of Givet which was inhabited by a strange aged, gay, biker type with a poodle!

And  so on to leper formally Ypres. The only city in the world to not be spelled with a capital letter. A very impressive city not looking too much like it was flattened in WW1. But it was!!!
 "To the Bathroom again stout fellows"!!!
 Asked if he wanted to lick Michelle, Itch misinterpreted!
 Expecting occasional sunny intervals Rash brought specialist eyewear.

To Varlet Farm on Passchendale. The most welcoming of all hostelries. Joined by the Gay Bikers of Bristol in there quest to spread the good news of Otis Redding to the wilds of Slovenia. Homemade Apple cake and English Tea with fresh milk on arrival almost led to Itch having to change his armour.

 Beer balancing - easy with a mere 8%er.

The following day the troops headed back to Albion along with other questers. So much did he love the port of Calais that Itch decided to stay an extra 30 minutes.

The trek Northwards proved uneventful despite Rash's chain attempting to double its length and Itch deciding to tour the steepest and roughest roads on West Yorkshire.

Perhaps a full Oboto Sobatmas trek to Belgium could beckon in 2014!

Grand Mahout.

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